我爱的人

This week passed in a flurry, and before i know it, its already sunday!! I realised i hadn't written a single entry this whole week. Think i have probably degenerated to a weekly digest now. Too busy! No time to write!

Indeed.

Mon: went to Sim Lim to get my wireless router (Netgear) and ethernet card.

Tues: tried to improve the guilly video.

Wed: dinner at Marina South Steamboat Buffet (farewell for Siyong who is going to Germany for 1 year).

Thur: NVAC AGM show.

Fri: Received panic phonecall from Calyn that there are many "missing" documents in my SEP application. Deadline: 29th Aug. Went for run and beer with bro-in-law, Eddie.

Sat: Guilly session intersparsed with alumni band practice. Chilled at Cafe Cartel Siglap after dinner.
>> formatted my labtpop cuz i was unable to properly connect to my home wireless network that i had just set up. Initially thought it was a problem with the modem, but i suspect its the NUS-domain that's causing the problem. Finally it works!!

Sun: Church and caught up with Jiahui. Last min trying to complete all the necessary forms and study plans, including my personal statement.

And i haven't touched any tutorials. Except the General Biology online assign, which only requires ask to fill in our particulars as well as our strengths and weaknesses and wat we like or dislike abt the module. Gasp!!

Guess i shall just paste the lyrics of one of my fav songs recently...

我知道故事不会太曲折
我总会遇见一个什么人
陪我过没有了她的人生
成家立业之类的等等
她做了她觉得对的选择
我只好祝福她真的对了
爱不到我最想要爱的人
谁还能要我怎样呢
我爱的人不是我的爱人
她心里每一寸都属于另一个人
她真幸福幸福得真残忍
让我又爱又恨她的爱怎么那么深
我爱的人她已有了爱人
从他们的眼神说明了我不可能
每当听见她或他说‘我们’
就像听见爱情永恒的嘲笑声

p.s. perhaps some reason to feel melancholic??

Urim & Thummim

It has been days since i wrote. I'd been wanting to though, but haven't found the time, since sch has started for me and i am not free as i was during the summer hols. Or maybe i have just lost the drive to blog.

Have been busy the past few days trying to settle my SEP forms. I'd just been allocated a place in University of California, Davis. Feels like an impossible dream come true. I remember only applying to try my luck, not expecting to actually get it. Try first and see how. Anyhow i am really thrilled at this chance of going abroad for 1 sem. The prospects of snowboarding with XT and Kenneth, spending christmas together and even celebrating XT's bdae with him over there!! Woah!! Hopefully, dirong and mike can travel down to meet us. Provided of course, that i will indeed make it there first. Hah!! Have been feeling rather insecure abt the entire business. Will the dream burst any time? With great expectations come great disappointment. I hope i dun have to face it, so i must prepare myself mentally for the worst. Somehow I'd wish they hadn't gone on so much abt all the BIG plans, over mike's "farewell" supper at geylang on tues. Even the talk of the Europe trip (or should i say Amsterdam tour, XT? *laffs*) fills me with such excitement and anticipation.

I feel so encouraged when i tell my frens abt the impending trip, Kenneth et all. XT said, "That's great!" Mike asked, "So wat's holding u back?" So after discussing with my parents, i've decided and submitted the forms. When one door of happiness closes, another opens.

Perhaps it is propitious that i should finish reading The Alchemist at the time my SEP chance came. Will the levanter carry the scent of my fatima?

~~~~~

Last weekend also marked the end of a show that i'd faithfully followed -- "谈判专家". I see the transmogrification of Peng-sir; from a domineering and so full-of-himself bigot - family feared him and wife had a tryst with his best friend, to a more humble, sensitive and caring man following his mishap. Initially, i watched the show with much skepticism and contempt for the main characters. Warped morals!! Bad egg Guodong!! 贱男人 Jaicong!! 该死的 Wenjing!! I would often mutter to myself. Haha.. its only a show rite?? But well.. they often mirror reality. Nonetheless i was being too self-righteous and judgemental(again!). I am not in their positions and thus could never really understand. Condemn the act but not the person.

One thing i learnt from the show though. That is one can always manage to counsel another person, but when the tragedy happens to oneself, oftentimes we can never break free from our despair. We will always 过不了自己那一关, and tend to 想不开!! However i am glad that the show had a generally happy ending, as do all shows!!

~~~~~

Probably another episode worth a mention here is the recent CORS saga. This was on Wed, when NUS students (like me) were supposed to register for our tutorial classess. As it happened, the server hanged throughout the day. Probably too many students were logging in simultaneously and the server was unable to handle the enormous number of requests. The result: plenty of F*&^!@#!! from the undergrads, inclusive of an online petition.

Amazingly, i wasn't angry with the CORS admin. I admit i was a little worried abt not being able to register for the tut slots i wanted. In the end, they extended the deadline for registration till the following day. But i couldn't understand why pple had to get so worked up over this whole affair and start cursing & swearing. This is not saying that we should silently subject ourselves to vindication, but can we afford to be more forgiving?? There are many more things in life to be frustrated by...

Okay... gotta go for MINDS liao. Its elections day today. Yippee!!

Gasp!! Revelation!!

I can't pinpoint exactly when this came over me. But recently, I'm beginning to realize increasingly what a horrible person I am. And I am getting ever so forgetful. Just this morning, it slipped my mind that I had to bid for my labs. I did wake up at 8.45am, but would probably have slept till 10am if not for my Sis's meddling of the com in my room to print stuff. Her frustrations stirred me from my slumber and I got up to help her.

After that, I went online to check my mail. And lo and behold, learnt that a good friend of mine just got attached!! XT: looks like your "rule of 3" is all hogwash. *bleah*

Anyway bidding for the labs didn't cross my mind, despite the fact that I was discussing this with my friends only the day before. I should have realized that today was the 12th and bidding starts at 9am. To think I even volunteered to buy breakfast. Crap!!

9.26am. I checked my handphone and discovered 2 missed calls from TS. I was still wondering what that bugger was up to - calling me so early in the morning!! It must have been something urgent; else he wouldn't have tried twice. Did I miss a lecture or what? Can't be! It's my free day today what. As it turned out, I did miss smth perhaps more impt. The wed slots that TS and I had agreed upon earlier were all taken up by this time, and I had to settle for a mon one, thus making TS switch from his wed bid to mon for EE2007. That was so irresponsible of me. Very sorry TS!!

Hah! It's so easy to apologise when the damage is already done. But I dunno what else I can do. Now I reflect on the times when someone had trespassed against me, was I able to understand and forgive them easily?? Looking back, I think I would feel rather sore abt it, even after trying my best to understand. I never really did and in the end I forgive, but only because I feel that I should be forgiving, thereby making me the saint here. Again, I am judging others by my so-called standard.

Perhaps my induction into church had something to do with this sudden revelation. At the very least I've learnt not to be too self-righteous and judgmental. I am as culpable as anyone else of making the same mistakes. After all, I am only human.

However I do not think that this gives me the right to sin. It is foolish to be thinking "to err is human" and therefore I am absolved of all my transgressions. Herein, I sincerely seek the forgiveness of everyone that I may have unknowingly wronged. I shall have to work harder at being a Godly person.

And I must put a stop to my growing amnesia. HS had to come and ask me for the fineprint crack that I so eagerly promised during lecture yesterday. Now as I try to recall the many things that have slipped my mind, I think of the 20 bucks I owe Kenneth after the night@zouk. And I must tell Kiat to pass Andy Ng the eng prof notes.

It was a good idea to start this blog after all. Other than venting my pent-up feelings, it can serve as a useful platform for me to remember things. There are probably many others I've banished into the backwaters of my cerebrum crying out for my attention now. I'll have to take them a step at a time.

Hopefully, one day in the future I can read my blog with nostalgic delight.

On happiness (& depression)

A good friend once told me that happiness is ephemeral. Period. Another, on his blog, expressed that depression is attractive. Whichever the case, they are opposite emotions that all of us experience throughout our lives. Like it or not.

Incidentally, the 1st fren also told me that being happy is the single most impt thing in life, and yet it is also the most difficult. What a cruel paradox.

There are some who say that u must experience sadness in order to appreciate happiness. Just like u cannot know hate without first learning love. I've pondered hard on this. Must we really go through the cycles of depression and joy? Why can't we be happy and happier then?

This is something i read from The Alchemist.

The camel driver: "When i'm eating, that's all i think abt. If i'm on the march, i just concentrate on marching. If i have to fight, it will be just as good a day to die as any other. Because i don't live in either my past or my future. I'm interested only in the present. If you can concentrate always on the present, you'll be a happy man. You'll see that there is life in the desert, that there are stars in the heavens, and that tribesmen fight because they are part of the human race. Life will be a party for you, a grand festival, because life is the moment we're living right now."

Maybe we only need to adjust our perspective.

I'm sure everyone wants to be happy. However i have to admit that being depressed IS a way to earn some concern from the pple around u. Sometimes we crave love and attention. It's always comforting to know that there is someone who cares abt the miserable u. That itself makes depression attractive.

Some pple like to be left alone when they are feeling down. I'd probably prefer that too. But sometimes ur thoughts just seem to run wild when u are all by urself. You tend to think too much and dream of the many "what ifs". What if i had done this? Have i tried hard enough? What if things turned out this way? What if... blah blah. Buddy i need a slap on the back as well, to wake me up to reality!!

I went for my 1st guitar lesson in church today. This friend Daniel, had been so kind to teach... for free!! Haha.. I think i can count on little things like this to make my day. Well, at the very least it kept my mind occupied.

Live free or die

I should probably share this piece from the prayer-meeting today. It is freakish when one recalls that only moments ago KM and i were having dinner together at Burger King, and we were relating our own experiences. We decided that we too, should let go and let God. Thus this sharing came at the opportune time. But it is hard.

Let Go & Let God

As children bring their broken toys

with tears for us to mend,

I brought my broken dreams to God

because He is my friend.

But then instead of leaving Him

in peace to work alone.

I hurry around and tried to help

with ways that were my own.

At last, i snatched them back again

and cried, "How can you be so slow?"

"My child," He said, "What could I do?

You never did let go."

~~~~~

I think i would be doing the conversation an injustice and WJ a disservice, if i didn't record my revelations with him the other day. Hence this insert.

Well as it happened, WJ msned me the night i was at eugene's place, asking "How's life been treating u bro?" Naturally i was taken aback. I think i replied him this "What a wierd question... why do u ask?" To which, he answered "Nothing much... just felt like asking." And so this sparked my conversation with him. We met for lunch, and afterward coffee the next day. And we talked. The entire afternoon.

At a time when i was really confused and vexed, this was really healing. I poured out my troubles to him, and its amazing how he seemed to understand me. Haha.. and why not? We've been long-standing friends, since those band days. Although we'd not really talked abt our lives before, until today. It is always refreshing to hear good advice from a friend u know u can trust.

~~~
Excerpt #1
wj: have u ever lied to someone and confessed?
me: lied.. of course.. who hasn't? but confess? i'd never done so.

wj: well then its gonna be hard to relate.

me: erm.. wat do u mean by confess? to God? then i haven't.

wj: no no.. to the person u told the lie to.

me(with a sudden revelation): haha.. well then yes.

wj: how do u feel, before the confession?
me: hmm.. i think i felt really bad. And i sincerely want to seek forgiveness.

wj: how do u feel then, after confessing?

me: relieved? like a burden of my chest?

wj: exactly. the same thing happens when you confess ur sins before God. Of course u must be truly repentant. And God would forgive u.

wj: you cannot kill a man, feel sorry about it, confess ur transgressions, and then run off to kill another. That's not repentance.

Excerpt #2

wj: u can believe in God and not know him, but u cannot know him and not believe in him.

(at this juncture, i repeated these words after him and ran them thru my mind a few times before i finally grasped its meaning)

wj: jeffrey.. it appears to me that u know a lot about God, but u do not know him.

me: agreed.

~~~

He reads me like a book. I'd read much and listened many. But true enough, I haven't spoken with Him. I confessed then that i didn't even know how to pray. I merely thought abt the prayer words. "It's not abt mumbling them... you've got to really mean it and trust God", WJ's words disrupted my thoughts. That night i prayed in the shower.

And so i discovered new things and re-learnt old ones. Thoughts that had already formed, but somehow got lost along the way, when ur faith is shaken. Like how i was all of a sudden stumped by questions from friends, when i knew the answer now. Actually all along, i should say

WJ's timely interception was no mere coincidence. He said that there was a stirring in his heart. Whether it is part of His plan, i can't say for sure, but what i do know is that i appreciated it. As much as i do not want to think of the person who told me this, I am suddenly reminded of this verse, "In his heart, a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." - Prov 16:9.

Unlike my mum, I was never superstitious. But sometimes we really gotta believe in omens. From the alchemist: "... God has prepared a path for everyone to follow. You just have to read the omens he left for you." I am currently reading Paulo Coelho's The Alchemist, after having been inspired(once again!) by kenneth's blog entry Energy of his wings. *sniggers*

Was supposed to meet KM for dinner at LJS initially. As i was walking from the mrt station to the place, i passed a BK employee distributing its phamplets. Thinking that dinner was to be at LJS, i did not accept the phamplet even as he handed one to me. I arrived first and found a seat at a corner facing the window. With earphones plugged into my ear, i carried on reading my book, paying little attention to a BK phamplet on the table. When KM reached, he saw the discount phamplet, and asked if i had taken it. I answered "No, it was already here when i came." Pointing to a super-savers meal, he asked if i was hungry so that we could cross over to BK next-door. I said, "I'm okay. Anything." And we were in BK the next moment.

It was there that i met this hearing-impaired AM who was selling collar pins for 5 bucks each. He left a parachuting-tweety bird on our table and i decided to buy one from him. I gestured to him to show me other designs. Secretly i wanted to find a bambi one. There wasn't and i bought the tweety. The very first one that had caught my eye. It would still make a good gift.

****
I used to wonder how one can secretly loathe someone and yet make small talk. Well, i just did that.

Disclaimer: I plagiarised the title from Mike. Haha.

Trip of faith

I've been wondering what to put as the title for some time now. But its not getting to me. "Back from genting" maybe?? Grrr... so BORING!! Shall just type something here first and fill in the title later...

Okay. I did just come back from a KL-Genting trip. Went with some YEP frens - KL, JW, May, Jorin, ZH and Jace. I dunno what to make of this trip, but am actually quite relieved that it is over. And weijie, i am back in Singapore... thankfully still sane!! *laffs*

~~~~~

The KL jam is absolutely madness. Our coach was crawling along the congested roads of KL and it was almost 3pm by the time we alighted and checked into our hotel - Swiss Inn, located at the heart of chinatown. I guess u usually pay for what u get. For starters, the hotel was this miniature building comprised of a front lobby that looked outwards to Jalan Sultan, and with its back facing Petaling Street. The hotel's efficiency was or rather lack of it was immediately apparent when only 0ne out of our 3 rooms were cleaned and ready. Without much of a choice, we deposited all our stuff in one room and headed out, in 2 separate cabs, for a super late lunch - famous Bah Kut Teh along Jalan Imbi.

It is always hard to get the taxi drivers to charge-by-meter in KL. May, ZH, KL and Jorin went off 1st in one cab while JW, Jace and me, later in another. Claiming to want to beat the jam, this GLK driver ran the outskirts of Jalan Imbi, and when he couldn't find the place, simply dropped us off. After realising that we were way off our destination, we had to take another cab. Reminds me of what JW said earlier "A little trust goes a long way". Indeed.

However we did arrive earlier than the pple in the 1st cab, as they were caught in the jam, albeit at a slightly higher cost. Glad that everyone enjoyed the Bah Kut Teh. Phew. A pity they didn't have the you tiao to dip inside the soup.

KL was basically spent shopping. Berjaya Times Square, Sungei Wang and after dinner, Chinatown itself. Then Jace, ZH, JW and I scooted off to Zouk@KL as the rest retreated to their rooms. Trance music (it's a Sat!) and a disappointing crowd summed up my experience there. Perhaps what was different from the S'pore one was that they had professional dancers performing on the platforms. They probably needed that to draw in the crowds.

~~~~~

Okay. So we checked out promptly at 11.30am the next day. The transfer coach to genting was supposed to come at 12 noon, but they were late. According to the hotel desk, these pple are always late...

The coach ferried us to the cable car station, and from there all 7 of us (max. capacity of a cable car is 8) hopped onto one cable car. The radio in the cabin announced "Welcome aboard Southeast Asia's longest and fastest cable car system..." Wow. Big deal.

So they managed to set up a separate check-in counter for tour agencies from Singapore, located in some holding area near the First World bus terminus. My guess is that this is supposed to alleviate the crowds and facilitate faster check-ins for the overwhelming S'porean guests. Well, it didn't. In fact, the queue is even longer than at the main hotel lobby. What the hell are they thinking? I suppose they should rather improve their processing efficiency. But hey, I did get to spend a longer time with her alone in the queue. Perhaps i should thank them instead.

It was ard 3.30pm by the time all the administrative work was done, and we were now ready to explore Genting. Eager to play the rides, we quickly went to check out the timings as well as cost of a day-pass for the amusement park. At an extra cost of RM12 for the all-park admission, some felt that the indoor one wasn't really worth it. Not thrilling enough. And so we settled on only the outdoor pass at RM30. Forgot we haven't had lunch yet. But the outdoor theme park closes at 8pm. We grabbed a bite at the fast food restaurants (KFC) and began our fun.

Many rides were closed for maintenace, including Cyclone, Tea Cups and the Go-Kart. Damn. I'd wanted to play Go-Karting most of all, a ride I enjoyed in my previous trip to Genting. In life... we don't always get wat we want. We took most of the rides we could, like Spinner, Mine Train, Flume Ride, Cockscrew, Space Shot, and even the carousel.

I must say i was rather surprised with myself to have found the courage to take the vertical drop ride (space shot). It was a ride i have always feared and shunned. Peer pressure didn't work on me in the past, yet this time round, even though there wasn't much of it, i took it willingly. Probably didn't want to lose out. But it was a good experience. At least now i know it isn't as scary as i have imagined it out to be. Thank heavens!

We didn't try the new Flying Coaster ride as it meant paying an additional RM10 for it. And well... the space adventure was totally crap and a waste of time. Made us all giddy. After getting ourselves wet in the flume ride, we finally exited the outdoor park and headed back to our rooms to freshen up for dinner. It was already 8pm.

Dinner was done at Kenny Rogers. Though not entirely delicious, it was an affordable (RM12.90 for a quarter chicken meal and comes with 3 side dishes as well as a muffin) and satisfying meal. Post-dinner activity was shopping and we even caught a movie "The Island". After that we "chilled" at starbucks coffee until 2am and the 3 gals went back to their rooms whilst the guys together with the more adventurous Jace trotted down to the casino. Jace was refused entry though, cos she was underaged (too bad) and ZH had to change into a pair of jeans to enter. We'd hoped to make a killing.

Maybe its the wee hours. Everyone in the casino was unsmiling and focused on what they had come here to do - win money. Just like us. The place was generally quiet other than the rattling sound of chips on soft carpet, the cheerful tune of a jackpot and sometimes spirited shouts of "Picture!" at the Bacaarat tables.

And so we stayed till 6am. The result: ZH broke even, JW lost RM20 and me RM40. So wat happened to the theory of 情场失意，赌场得意？(There goes our dreams of Ah Yat Abalone for breakfast)

The next day we checked out at noon and had lunch at Pizza Hut. Last-min shopping for some and then we were out of genting...

I peeped at them from time to time
It feels so wrong and yet so right
The innocent touches and playful nudges
Built on a friendship I cannot comprehend
Each time I look and turn away
And try not to think too much
But the crazy thoughts just keep comin'

O' what should I do

I ask myself
There's nothing I can do now

Except to pray to Him

And keep prayin'