Thursday, July 28, 2005

A lesson in life

I was very tempted to put "A (painful) lesson in life" as the heading. But decided against it. Since when isn't a lesson learnt painful? *sniggers*

I've finally hit 7 days of consecutive drinking. Hark! No worries! This does not actually suggest that I am wallowing deeper in my despair. The beer I drink now is channelled to a different stomach. Its finally serving its purpose... to chill!!!

At least I am in a clearer state of mind now, no thanks to the blow on the head I endured during the soccer game today. The ball came flying straight at me, as if I was the only target in the field. It's not even the first time I have been rammed in the face, but I swear this was the hardest knock I ever took. Maybe life has a cruel way to wake u up.

I should probably recount what I did on tues, wed and today (aka my 5th, 6th and 7th days of drinking holiday).

On tues, I met sis, my bro-in-law Eddie, and their friend Ken for a drink at BFD. Its a pub in East Coast, a stone's throw away from Mac's. We were actually supposed to go to Brauhaus at United Square. Eddie said it is the 1st german pub opened in S'pore, as opposed to the more popular Paulaner at millenia walk and my personal fav. It was almost 10pm when I drove down, hesitant to drive initially since I knew I was going to drink. I did not want to break my resolution so soon. In the end I was persuaded, since I had my sis as the backup driver.

Never regretted though. Loved the buffalo wings. And I had 2 mugs of Stella Artois. Delicious. We talked abt family, relationships and life in general. It is interesting when u hear other pple's perspectives, esp. from those who have more "experience" in life than u. Things u will never learn in the textbooks. Welcome to the University of Life. Indeed... when I heard K's story of how he cannot be together with a gal whom he liked (and she liked him back), because the gal's suffering from leukemia, I was like "WoW". This is so drama. These things actually do happen!? Well they probably do. Where else do those script writers get their story from? Haha... reminds me of this saying "戏如人生", i.e. shows actually mirror reality.

I went to stay over at eugene's place on wed. Its amazing how far we have come, the brotherhood. It's one of those things that will probably stand the test of time. I hope Huey doesn't get jealous over this. After strumming and picking on the guitar, we went for prata at the usual place. And we talked. Missed those stayovers.

Woke up late... and contemplated giving soccer a miss. NUS is so far. But still we went. I needed a workout while eugene wanted a tan. Haha. Ball-kicking seemed secondary here. Met KM and WJ for lunch at Science canteen after that. And prolly never expected to see so many familiar faces there - the doctors, including HY, who was posing as usual.

Eugene had to go to his grandma's hse while KM had a med lecture at 3pm. It was still early before my dinner appointment with Dad (yeah.. at BFD again!!), and so I went with WJ to Holland V for a coffee. I'd set up this dinner session, hoping to bond -- father and son. Can't imagine the look on his face when he received my sms. Haha. Even my mum was shocked when I called to tell her I won't be home for dinner cos i'm meeting dad for dinner-cum-beer. So dinner went well, and I told him things I've never spoken before(to him, at least). I wasn't exactly asking for much advice, but well.. he listened as I talked, occasionally giving some honest guidance. And I could really feel the camaraderie. This is truly a landmark achievement.

The afternoon spent with WJ was another terrific time. Starbucks we went, and I hardly noticed the time as we had such an engaging conversation... about faith, God and leading a purposeful life. If I may quote him "We walk our own paths, not those of others". I must learn to let go.

There is much more to say, and this entry is already getting long enough. I shall continue another day. Meanwhile, I should learn to pray, and keep praying.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

A new beginning

I have decided to start a new blog, having been inspired by kenneth's blog. Yes, I have been reading his blog for some time now, especially whenever I am feeling so down and lost...

Hopefully my entries will start to flow. I realise my penning mood only comes when I am sad. My life is not nearly exciting enough for me to want to write all the time. I am not exactly a writer, you see. And I am too lazy.
Interestingly, when I conceived the title for my 1st entry here, I googled it, hoping to find a good picture to accentuate its meaning. And guess what I found. The best 10 matches were linked to Christianity sites. An irony in itself??

Nonetheless, I picked a few to look at, and stumbled upon this one which grabbed my attention. Thus I spent a few moments reading it. Here's the link >> http://www.pbc.org/dp/stedman/job/3551.html

I came to tell you
How it all began
Nothing seems to work out right
I'm broken down again
So hold me now
And say it's not forever
Maybe someday
In time
Things will go my way

Perhaps I should explain why "a new beginning" came to my mind. Firstly, its a new blog.. duh? Haha.. but also this should mark the end of my drinking fit. I intoxicated myself on fri, sat, sun, and even yesterday. Tell me about a 4-day long St. Patrick's day, Dirong!! Alcoholism is not nearly as bad as one would think, especially if it takes ur mind off certain things, washes down the loneliness and invigorates you. Get drunk but not wasted, I would say. Yet I achieved neither, even though I was more appealed to the former idea.

I've pushed to get through
The crowds in twisted souls
Just to find I'm right back here
Doing what I'm told
So take my hands
Don't let me surrender
'Cuz maybe someday
Yeah, in time
Things will go my way

Granted. Drinking IS bad for the liver. It makes the organ work overtime. Friends keep telling me and I know that, despite me earning the ignoble accolade of "steel liver". However, I'd much rather have it work OT, just to give my mind some respite. It can stop whenever my brain wants a rest. Sorry dude. Bear with it.

However, when U DRINK DON'T DRIVE!!! Admittedly, I am very much guilty of this. It is something I have always been aware of, the dangers of driving when u drink. And there has been enough education as well as deterrents from the traffic police... slogans, road blocks, jail sentences etc. But sometimes u tend to disregard them when u think u are in control behind the wheels. I was jolted to my senses when I read about the tragedy invloving a drink-driving accident in the papers today. I should stop pushing my luck further. I would never want to be involved in such a situation. Particularly when the lives of others are at stake. I would never be able to live with the guilt.

And also dun drive when u are depressed... sorry mike!!

For all the lies I've tasted
Just looking for the truth
For all the dreams I'm chasing
Well what am I to do
When everything's against me
The answers are all wrong
I'm hoping that I'll find out
It was worth it all along

I couldn't get to sleep last nite, nor the nite before. Too many thoughts have been weighing on my mind for some time now. I went for a run at abt 1am, hoping to seek some reprieve for my burdened mind. Even as I lay in the pavilion and ruminated, I can't seem to comfort myself. Each time I would have thought that I overcame it, but images and memories keep coming back to haunt me. I guess the only way for me now is to live each day anew and avoid those crippling thoughts.
So hold me now
And say it's not forever
Maybe someday
In time
Things will go my way