An impulse to blog..

All of a sudden, i found the urge to blog again. Perhaps i have given up trying to concentate on studying. Rather than let my mind stray, might as well expend my energy on something *ahem* more constructive. Or perhaps somewhere at the back of mind, i remember that i had said that i will blog more often on my SEP.

Somehow, blogging has not been one of my priorities of late. It's strange how life pushes us along. Life is like a box of chocolates. I remember this line from Forrest Gump. You'd never know what you are gonna get. Going on SEP has been something i have always looked forward too, ever since i knew i was not gonna get a scholarship to study overseas. I'd always wanted to see life abroad. And maybe.. just maybe, the seemingly unlimited fun and freedom one gets to enjoy overseas is simply to alluring. Studies was never on my priorities. How ironical.

In fact, i am now close to a month into living this dream. Yet this doesn't seem like the kind of life i'd been wanting. Maybe i am just missing home too much. The comforts of familiar surroundings, of friends and of family, and of course ONWAH. Of which, the latter is something life has gifted me! However, this has certainly contributed to the divorce of my dreamed-SEP and reality. I thought i didn't need to study. I thought i would make friends easily and party all day long. I thought i would be able to spend effortlessly. I though i could live like a vagrant. I thought i could be free of all worries. I thought i would have countless fun. I thought i would be having the time of my life. Well.. i thought.

There is nothing wrong with this SEP except that its really not what i have expected. After all that trouble in trying to get over here, mapping of modules, application of visas, buying air tickets, settling my accomodation etc etc, more is to be expected over here. For one, transport was a problem and i had to buy a bike to get around easier. Textbooks are a hell lot of expensive. In USD some more. I didn't expect to get a textbook here, especially since i have mostly avoided buying textbooks back in NUS. Well.. u only need to pass, Jeffrey!! Still, how much is enough to pass? What is the minimum effort required? I'd never know, and i never felt so stressed before, when all i needed was to pass. I attributed this to the fact that i am alone, and there is none of my usual friends i can turn to for help, in case i ever needed. Now i feel so dumb and helpless.

Well.. kenneth, dirong, mike blah blah have all reassured me that the Singaporean (NUS) education system has more than equipped up with the necessary skills to do well in exams. Still, i feel inept and maybe even effete in face of the US education system. 10 weeks for a quarter is lightning. But in a way it is also good, cos i really want to go home asap.

In the light of all this, i am beginning to lose faith in myself. I'd wanted to use this opportunity to see how i would survive alone outside. And i am starting to realise that i am rather i'll prepared for life, and for its hard knocks for that matter. As paraphrased from XT: "You have to get out of your comfort zone to grow." Can i really brave a whole new world by myself?? Is it too early to tell??

Looking back at how i have lived my life the past 20 years of so, i feel terribly ashamed. I thought real hard. No accomplishment to boast of, and hardly anything to call my own. It is probably time to chart out my future, especially now that i have one other person i would really like to take care of for my entire life. Her name(as mentioned) is Onwah. I promised to love and protect her. And i shall not renege on my word. As underscored in my fav anime Naruto: "You will fight harder if you are fighting for someone else!!"

Incidentally there are two traits of Naruto that i particular like. First being that he never gives up and secondly, he does not go back on his promises. His indomitable fighting spirit and intrepidity is what draws me to him. And also the cool fighting sequences. Haha. But the anime has been pretty dull in recent months. Not much excitement after the Orochisama debacle.

Okay, so much for my digression. And while my love for her fuels my desire to make good in life, it is also the very source of my worries. I worry about the future of our relationship. And i worry about being a man unworthy of her love. As much as i worry about my parents and the eternal debt i owe them.

Perhaps we have all grown up. And i yearn for a time when i will be truly free from all worries. I surmise that will be the time when we rest in peace.